LAUGH MAKE 'EM

A S HE DEPARTED THIS LIFE, SIR DONALD Wolfit, a zesty British thespian, is

said to have pulled a protégé close

and uttered these now famous

words: "Dying is easy; comedy is

hard."

Whether Sir Donald actually made this marvelous deathbed utterance is a matter of some debate, but for our purposes, it is of little consequence where or from whom it originated, for it is beyond dispute that comedy — the art of making another person laugh — is excruciatingly difficult.

The primary means of eliciting a laugh is through the telling of a joke. As most of us learned long ago, a joke is only as good as the person conveying it. We all know people who can tell a perfectly rotten joke and bring the house down, while others can mangle the funniest of tales, leaving their audience stonefaced and staring at their shoes.

But virtually all of us are irresistibly drawn to jokes. We love to laugh and to make others

laugh. The problem that most of us face — and this includes those blessed with an abundance of comedic skills — is a dearth of material.

"I can never remember jokes, even the really funny ones," is a common lament.

That excuse will fly no more. What follows is a compilation of jokes assembled

by the staff of Florida Weekly.

Some are uproarious, others are dreadful. What is good and what is bad is a matter of taste, of course, but all are indisputably jokes. Someone at some time has laughed at each and every one of these gags. Commit to memory the ones you like and keep them at hand for the perfect moment to amuse and entertain friends and family. Don't worry about the others, you'll forget them soon enough.

Oh, it wouldn't hurt to practice a little. Hone your delivery, as best you can. You don't have to be Jerry Seinfeld or Jay Leno to get a laugh on occasion. Sir Donald said comedy is hard, but he didn't say it is impossible.

» Larry died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Larry would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it?" said Sarah. "Forty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$32,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Four and a half carats."

— a Florida Weekly staff favorite

» A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"'My wife's." "What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

The curious onlooker inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."

— Sal Dickinson,

Dickinson & Associates, Fort Myers

» How many elephants can you fit in a VW?

Four, two in the front and two in the back.

How do you know there's an elephant in your refrigerator?

A set of footprints in the butter.

How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?

Two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator.

(Three sets of footprints?) No, the door won't close.

How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?

There's a VW parked outside.

— Daniel Catron

» Bubba and Billy Bob are fishing in a boat.

Bubba says, "Billy Bob, I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in two months."

Billy Bob takes a sip of his beer, spits out some tobacco juice, and after a minute he says, "Bubba, you better think mighty hard and long about that decision. Women like that are hard to come by."

— Frank Mann,

Lee County commissioner

» Question: What's the difference between a seagull and a financial advisor?

Answer: A seagull can still make a big deposit on a brand new Mercedes.

— Jack O'Brien,

curator at The von Liebig Art Center

» An old man who couldn't see too well still loved to drive. So one day he was out on Highway 90 headed for New Orleans when a state trooper pulled him over.

"Did you know you were going 90 MILES AN HOUR?" the man said.

"Shore did, officer," that driver told him.

"That's way over the speed limit," said the policeman.

"No it ain't," said the old man.

"It sure is too fast," said the policeman. "Why are you driving so fast?"

"Well that's what the speed limit IS, it says so right on the sign — 90!" said the old man.

"Lord a'mighty," the policeman told him, "it's lucky I stopped you before you got to 301 (another highway in Louisiana).

— Burdie Baker,

honorary mayor of Charleston Park

» On the first day of second grade, the teacher asked her students to use "I" in a sentence.

The first student said, "I am happy to be in school."

"Perfect," said the teacher.

The second said, "I am happy when it's time for recess."

"Perfect," said the teacher.

Johnny was next. He started, "I is…"

"Oh, no," the teacher interrupted him. "It's 'I am…' Begin again."

Johnny said, "But Miss Teacher..."

"No buts, Johnny. Do as I say," the teacher insisted.

Johnny took a deep breath. "OK, Miss Teacher… I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

— Lois Bolin, FW Undercover Historian, who in a previous life used

the joke in corporate training exercises to illustrate

the importance of listening in order to build trust.

» Sister Alice joined a special order of nuns and was allowed to say two words per year. At the end of the first year, Mother Mary asked her, "Sister Alice, what two words do you have to say? Sister Alice replied, "Bad food." Mother Mary left but a year later came back to Sister Alice and asked for her next two words. Sister Alice said " Hard beds." Mother Mary grimaced and left and returned the following year and asked the same question. Sister Alice said, " I quit!" Mother Mary said," I am not the least bit surprised. You have been bitching from the time you got here!"

— Jeannette Showalter,

Naples resident

» There was a man named John, lived on a farm — a plantation, you know — and the corn was getting ripe. The farmer, a big old' slow-moving fat man, came to John one day and he said, "John, somebody or other is eatin' at my corn. If you can catch him and put him in the crib, I'll give you $50."

"Yessir," said John.

That night, John got his shotgun and went and sat by the crib. And he come to find out it wasn't no human, it was a bear eatin' that corn.

"How am I gonna get that bear in the crib?" John wondered.

So he got himself some of that corn, and threw it in the crib and jumped in, acted like he was eating it. That bear jumped in right after, and they went round and round, the bear chasin' him.. And before long John jumped out and shut up that crib, just as quick as you please.

Then he went to the boss and said, "Boss, I got him."

Well, the boss went and got his whip and came on back, figurin' to whip a thief. But when he opened that crib the bear slapped him up one side and down the other — got him right in the crib. That bear and the boss went round and round and round, and finally the boss shouted, "John, what did you do to get out of this crib?"

And John said, "I done the same thing you're doing, only I did it at about 65 miles an hour."

— Burdie Baker,

honorary mayor of Charleston Park

» Mr. Johnson, a bank executive, was well known as a great and entertaining speaker. So the bank president, Mr. Fields, tapped him to open the annual meeting for the shareholders and company employees with a speech.

The morning of the meeting, Mrs. Johnson handed her husband his briefcase and coat, eagerly wished him luck, and sent him on his way.

Unfortunately, Mr. Johnson forgot to pack his notes, leaving them at home on his night table. As he faced the expectant crowd in the auditorium, he figured he would have to draw on a subject he felt he knew a lot about — and gave an absorbing speech about sex.

That evening, Mrs. Johnson asked, "Honey, you forgot your notes! What did you talk about?"

"Uh… sailing!" he replied, feeling too embarrassed to admit he'd given a talk about sex.

The next morning, Mrs. Johnson ran into Mrs. Fields at the beauty salon. The bank president's wife had been at the meeting.

"Your husband gave a wonderful talk yesterday! So informative and interesting. He must be a real expert," she gushed.

With a look of confusion, Mrs. Johnson replied, "Well, that's surprising. He's only done it twice. The first time he threw up, and the second time his hat blew off!"

— Kat Smith, managing editor at Naples Illustrated

» What did the fish say when he ran into the concrete wall? Dam!

— Gay Thompson,

president, Cement Industries

» A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the produce assistant, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

— Sal Dickinson,

Dickinson & Associates, Fort Myers

» How do you make friends with a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.

— Emily Phillips,

seventh grade, Three Oaks Middle School

» A duck walks up to a fruit stand and he says to the fruit vendor, "Got any grapes?" And the guy says, "No we don't have any grapes and we don't serve ducks here." The next day the duck comes back to the fruit stand and says the same thing. "Got any grapes?" And the vendor says, "No, and I told you we don't serve ducks here." The third day the duck comes back again to the fruit stand and you know what the duck says. The fruit stand guy says, "If you ask me that question one more time I'm gonna get a hammer and nails and nail your webbed feet down to the pavement." So the duck says, "You got any nails?" And the guy says, "No." So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

— Karen Schaeffer,

pastry chef, JBistro

» Q: How many mental health therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: " . . . er . . . does it HAVE to be a light bulb?"

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fish

Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None . . ."I'll just sit in the dark."

— Stuart Brown,

documentary film producer

» A young boy was struggling with his math class and was in danger of failing. His parents were very concerned, so they sent him to the local after-school tutoring program, but no results. They sent him to a fancy math seminar, but no results. The end of the year was getting close — what could they do!?

Then, a neighbor told them about a group of Catholic nuns in the town with a special mathtutoring program. Desperate, they sent their son to

program and immediately he started improving. They didn't want to say anything at first out of concern that it might backfire. So, they just watched. By the end of the year he had improved so much that he passed with honors. Finally, they had to ask him what had the nuns done that made the difference? He said, "the first time I went into that room and saw the man up on the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

— Lydia A. Black,

executive director, Lee County Alliance of the Arts

» A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

— "Long John,"

Larry's East Pawn

» John R. Wood tells Florida Weekly this actually happened to him not long ago. When he was in the middle of delivering a speech to about 250 Realtors, Mr. Wood's friend Paul stood up and asked politely:

Paul: "John, do you know how to keep a turkey in suspense?"

John (rather surprised and helpless): "No, Paul, I don't. Please tell me how to keep a turkey in suspense."

Paul: "Ok, John, I'll tell you tomorrow!"

— John R. Wood Naples Realtor

» Q: What did the sadist do to the masochist?

A: Nothing.

— D.P. Workman,

student

» Noah and his wife are hanging over the rail on the ark, bored with looking at the water after days at sea. Noah suddenly perks up and says to his wife: "Hey, I know how we could pass the time, we could do a little fishing. I wonder if we'd catch much?" His wife replies: "Probably not much. We've only got two worms."

— Capt. Ralph Allen,

Punta Gorda

» An old woman was having trouble hearing, so one day she went to the doctor.

"Doctor, I can't hear a thing out of my left ear," she told him.

So the doctor looked in her ear, and he noticed there was something stuck in it. Very carefully, he put a small ear pick in there and finally drew the thing out, then held it up.

"Ma'am, this looks like a suppository," he said.

"Well NOW I know where my hearing aid is," she said.

— Gail Day, hairstylist and business owner (this joke came from

an elderly woman, a customer, who was seated in

Gail's styling chair last week)

» Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: He had no guts.

— Nash Williams,

student

» With the current concern about socialized medicine, one could understand about the young couple from England who went to see their doctor for the wife's examination. The wife went in alone while the husband waited in the waiting room.

After about an hour, the wife came out and the husband quickly asked her: "What did he do? What did he say?"

The wife said to him, "Not now, I'll tell you when we get home."

After arriving at home, the husband was beside himself to know what the doctor said and did. The wife told him the doctor examined her and then took out rubber stamp and neatly stamped the middle of her stomach.

The husband said, "What did the stamp say?"

And the wife answered, "I don't know, it was so small I couldn't read it."

The husband looked at her stamped stomach but couldn't read the tiny print, either. So they got out a magnifying glass and finally were able to read: "When this lettering is big enough to read with the naked eye, come back to see me."

— John R. Wood,

Naples Realtor

» Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.

— Amy Bennett Williams,

writer

» "I tend to be like Garrison Keillor, who appreciates a good yarn more than a joke (the one about the talking parrot, for example, who learned his language ways from a sailor), but repeats that "joke" about two penguins standing by the shore, where one says to the other, "You look like you are wearing a tuxedo." And the other says, "Who says I'm not?"

Which leads me to the line about planners, whose mascot is the penguin, because penguins gather in groups, speak in ways no one can understand, and collectively have cold feet.

But I will close with the traditional: A penguin walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10."

The penguin pays and the bartender serves him his drink, saying, "You know, we don't get many penguins coming in here."

The penguin says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

— Wayne Daltry,

planner (in an e-mail about jokes)

» Q. What are the three rings of marriage?

A. Engagement ring. Wedding ring. Suffering.

— Mitch Schwenke,

proprietor of Blue Coyote Supper Club, Fort Myers

» A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he asked the congregation for a raise. After much discussion, they decided that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of bickering ensued as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

— Samantha Scott,

Pushing the Envelope Inc., Fort Myers

» Q. What do you call a ship that lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A. A nervous wreck.

— Tanya Forrester,

SunTrust Bank business banker

» A guy walks into a bar covered in jumper cables and the bartender looks at him and says, "Don't you start anything!"

— Cindie Barker, Bistro 41 manager

» A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the woman for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

— Lauren Rotchford,

The Ritz-Carlton, Naple

» A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says to him, "Hey, I've got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper looks puzzled and says, "Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"

— Jim McCracken,

Vino columnist

» An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by geez, I t'aut I was going to drop dead on dat third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from all dat skippin," the Irishman said.

— Lauren Rotchford,

The Ritz-Carlton, Naples

» Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman — already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet — who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

— Richie Oliva,

Punta Gorda

» "Anyone who needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the preacher says one day.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays — he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday!"

— Bruce Strayhorn,

attorney

» A termite walks into a pub, stops just inside the door, and takes a look around. He calls out to everyone within earshot: "Hey, where's the bar tender?"

— Kathy Grey,

Florida Weekly

» I simply CANNOT come up with a funny joke. But I can tell you of my encounter with a homeless man in Boston.

One morning after breakfast, having paid and with change in my pocket, I was passing a man with a large "homeless" sign who greeted me with a cheery "Good morning!"

I returned the greeting and dropped the change in his cup. A few hours later I had a sandwich for lunch, which I cut in half because that's all I wanted. I wrapped the remainder with the pickle. It so happened that I passed the same corner, saw the same man and this time I asked him if he'd like a sandwich.

"What kind?" he asked. "Ham and cheese, lettuce and mayo," I answered.

"Pickle?" he asked .

"Of course," I replied, as he smiled broadly and held out his hand.

This led me to believe that the Boston homeless, like the proper Bostonians, are very enlightened and particular people.

"Pickle," indeed!

— Audrey Bender,

Neapolitan and social activist

» Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's not funny.

— Anonymous

» While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-yearold daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

— Pat Oliva,

Punta Gorda

» Two guys are playing baseball and one says there's baseball in heaven and the other one says "You don't know there's baseball in heaven." A couple weeks later one guy dies and goes to heaven, and he comes back with news for his friend. He says, "The good news is there's baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're playing tomorrow."

— Emilio Rodriquez, customer, Sunoco gas station

on Palm Beach Boulevard