Naples Florida Weekly
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Are you guilting your children? It can have damaging results




 

Megan should have known she’d pay the price. Three days had passed and Megan’s mother, Sylvia, had not returned Megan’s repeated phone calls. Sylvia clearly was upset that Megan and her husband, Steve, had spent Thanksgiving in Chicago with Steve’s family. Megan had gone over the plans with her parents umpteen times, explaining that last year she and Steve had spent Thanksgiving with Megan’s family, and that this year, it was only fair they spend the holiday with Steve’s family. Sylvia was not moved by Megan’s efforts to be fair to both sides. Sylvia seemed to think that because she oft en helped babysit while Megan was working that Megan and Steve should kowtow to her. Sylvia could be the most loving parent, but since Megan was a little girl, Megan learned that if she didn’t do things her mother’s way, or concede to her mother’s wishes, there would be major fallout. Megan was forever feeling guilty and on the defensive. So, let’s confess. Have we ever “guilt- tripped” our children to get our way — knowingly or without even fully realizing it? Have we been exerting undue pressure on our loved ones — perhaps, because of our own vulnerabilities or desires?

— Linda Lipshutz, M. S., LCSW, is a psychotherapist with a practice in Palm Beach Gardens. She can be reached at 561- 630- 2827, online at www.palmbeachfamilytherapy.com, or on Twitter @ LindaLipshutz.

— Linda Lipshutz, M. S., LCSW, is a psychotherapist with a practice in Palm Beach Gardens. She can be reached at 561- 630-2827, online at www.palmbeachfamilytherapy.com, or on Twitter @ LindaLipshutz.

Just like with Sylvia, in the fictionalized vignette above, it’s not uncommon for parents to manipulate or cajole to get their way. We sometimes may attempt to justify this pressure by saying it’s in our child’s best interest. But, if we’re being honest with ourselves, it’s likely we do so more to service our own interests than theirs. And, in the process, we’re being role models for damaging relationship patterns that could become a troubling legacy of impaired functioning for future generations.

Studies have shown that parental “guilt trips” can have very damaging effects on the emotional development of young people. In a longitudinal study, published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence, researchers reported that “intrusive” psychological behavior was linked with less independence, and less productive reasoning during early adulthood; and further reports of a negative impact on developing healthy relationships.

It’s important that parents examine what fuels their efforts to pressure their children.

What’s so interesting is that manipulative behavior often is subtle and tough to detect, because the manipulation may be disguised under the guise of love and/or obligation. We may believe we are doing the right thing for the well-being of the family, and not see clearly how we may have compromised their needs to take care of our own. For this very reason, it’s important for us, as parents, to reflect on ways in which we exert influence over the lives of our loved ones.

Some parents harbor tremendous insecurities and worry that an independent child is a negative reflection on how lovable they are or how worthy a parent that they’ve been. Ironically, the opposite is actually the case: Mature, well-adjusted parents who communicate directly and effectively are more likely to raise confident, well-adjusted offspring.

How can we best manage the situation where we’re the ones who’ve been “guilt-tripped”?

Those who have fallen victim to this dynamic can spot some of its more glaring manifestations: tearful outbursts, angry accusations, passive-aggressive reminders of past niceties — all with the intent of exerting pressure on the other to conform to expectations.

Our families may offer us gifts or babysitting, but may have heavy expectations in return that we do things their way. When gifts are offered with strings attached, we may ultimately decide that we are paying too heavy a price. Over time there may be an overlay of resentment or a wish to rebel.

So what do we advise those who have fallen prey to a parent who is a seasoned “guilt tripper”?

It’s important we step back for clarity to gain a perspective of the bigger picture. Experts will encourage beleaguered family members to stand our ground, while making firm, clear statements that we’re no longer willing to cave into unreasonable demands. This will enable us to not take the ultimatums personally, nor to fall into the traps that leave all the parties demoralized. If it’s a relationship we value, there are steps we can take to preserve the harmony, even while we’re asserting self-care.

Recognizing destructive patterns and asserting one’s autonomy may be difficult — and not without some anxiety or fear. Seasoned “guilt trippers” may up the ante — by threatening emotional, social or financial reprisals. It’s not uncommon to doubt oneself for taking the assertive steps or to back down.

Are we open to making these changes?

It takes maturity and growth for “guilt-trippers” to recognize that they are treating loved ones unfairly and to not only address their vulnerabilities, but to perhaps get emotional support from trusted friends or professionals. And for those of us who have been treated unfairly: When we work toward gaining the confidence to speak up with more assurance, we’re taking important steps toward developing our sense of self. ¦

This article first appeared in 2016.

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